My Life of Crime

It seems worth mentioning that I still haven’t lost my talent to irritate or even enrage the natives here because I’ve broken some unknown rule or mistakenly broken another rule.  Depending on the situation, I’ve adopted certain styles of response.

Scenario A:  Since it’s gotten too cold to run outside regularly, I joined a nice gym in our village. After I finished my second workout and was leaving the building, the front desk clerk motioned for me to come over to her.  I slowed my gait because I know the look of a German who wants to scold me about something. As I got closer, she pointed at my running shoes.  “These, no good….you must…”  then her sentence trailed off.  Her grasp of English is limited and so is my German so we were at a standstill.  Then, hurray, another club member pipes up.  He’s German but knows English well and offers to translate for her.  I watch her hands rise and fall as she explained my transgression to him.  He turns to me and takes a deep breath. That’s when I decide to just lean on the counter and take my licking, whatever it is.  These people exhaust me.  So, the gentleman explains to me that I should not wear my running shoes outside.  I should carry them with me and wear street shoes to and from the gym.  That to me is a simple (yet very picky) explanation.  But I know well enough that the explanation needs to continue.  They can’t just make their point and finish.  So, that’s why I settled in to hear lengthy instructions.  I nod several times for the next few minutes, apologize profusely, and start mentally composing my grocery list while he continues the translation. At last, we are through, then I smile and thank them for setting me straight.

I’m not the only one who has this strategy. A couple days later, as I’m unloading Jack from the car in a village parking lot, I hear a commotion behind me.  An older German woman is shouting and shaking her umbrella at another woman (who looks about my age) who is in her car.  The woman in the car is responding in English saying “I know, you are absolutely right, I’m terribly sorry….” Apparently she had almost hit the German woman while backing out of her parking space.  Of course, I can’t blame the German woman for being unhappy about the incident but I cringed knowing the sort of harangue the driver was going to get. They were blocking my path so all I could do was stand there and offer a sympathetic smile to the driver. She took her hits and finally the German woman tottered off.  The driver (who is English–we met at a party a week later) leaned out her window and puffed her cheeks at me.  “Don’t worry,” I said, “I’ve actually gotten it even worse than that.” The driver offered me her parkschein (a prepaid parking voucher) which still had time on it and then sped out of the lot.

It’s raining so I pick up Jack and hustle across the lot only to run into the German lady. She spoke to me in German and I told her I spoke English. “Did you see what happened?” she repeated.  I stop in my tracks and adopt my pose.  “Yes, I did and that must have been frightening but I’m so glad you are OK,” I responded. “She could have killed me,” the woman continues.  I nod and commiserate. It’s still pouring rain and Jack is getting heavy in my arms. Suddenly, the woman switches topics and her face softens.  “Are you English?” No, American.  “How do you like it here, are you having any problems?”  Several scenes flash through my mind and I smile, “It takes a while but it’s starting to feel like home,” I responded.  “My name is Frau Müller and my number, oh I wish I had a pen and paper here, is [XXXXXX], please call me if I can ever help you.” She’s a sweet lady.  All she wants is to be understood clearly and that is what so many Germans want.  Now that I’ve figured it out, I don’t mind giving my time to do it.

But, then there is Scenario B: Lately, if we’ve got an open stretch of time, I’ve gotten in the habit of taking Nora, Jack and their scooters to Bad Homburg which is a large town that has a very good fussgänger (pedestrian walkway).  It’s much longer and less cobblestoney (invented new word) than our fussgänger in Königstein.  There’s also embedded toys along the way so that Nora and Jack can speed along on the scooters, then stop for a while to play. I always park in the same garage but one recent day I decide to explore a different place to park.  I turn down a wide street and immediately realize this was a bad idea. I’m going the wrong way on a one-way street.  Crap. I immediately stop behind a parked car and look behind me so I can back out of there but traffic is busy.  There are about 8 cars on my street waiting for the light to change.  I’m not in their way but they decide to entertain themselves during the red light by honking their horns at me repeatedly.  The driver closest to me is a man and he is honking and turning purple screaming at me through his closed window.  I decide I’ve had enough abuse and resort to psychological warfare. Since my car is not rigged with loudspeakers, ready to blast Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits at my enemies, I use the only tool I have at the moment.  I turn to the purple man, give him a big, dumb smile and a peppy, American-style thumbs up.  It works.  He’s completely unglued. “Oh, Mama, he’s really mad at you now,” Nora said gravely.  “That’s the idea, honey,” I responded.  The light turns green and Purple Man zooms off in a fury and I feel serene knowing that the sadists behind the wheel here don’t bother me anymore.

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2 responses to “My Life of Crime

  1. Love your thumbs up response! My favorite when someone decides to show me the “tall finger” while driving is to smile ridiculously broadly, wave hello hysterically, and mouth “THANK YOU!!!” Often other drivers are amused, and the offender is usually brought back to reality, or leaves even more deranged, which is just fine by me. That’s what they get for using the “tall finger.”

  2. I cracked up with the “no running shoes on the street” rule.

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